I'm in your bed right now
Okay meet you there give me 10
Don't think you can make me leave either
Give me ten I ha e to be ******'s wingman I want you
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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