It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
