Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Randomize
