I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
