Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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