I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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