I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
