I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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