11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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