The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
