i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
