You just made me feel so damn special
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
