Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
