he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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