We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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