i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
