no more duck duck goose at the bar
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
