If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Never underestimate the power of titties
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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