I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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