He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Two words: blizzard sex
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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