So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
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