Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
We have so much sex to catch up on
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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