Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
