Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
