Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
