..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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