you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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