That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
