he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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