getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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