how can u be prego again
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
