god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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