i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
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