Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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