dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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