Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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