How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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