Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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