Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
as a side note pls kill me
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Randomize
