Omg I def was not. I wasn't that drunk. I showed that I stuff my bra but I didn't whip my tit out.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
