i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
