So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
