The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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