thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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