I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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