I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You made out with two different species that night
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
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