i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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