does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
