this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
Randomize
