Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
