Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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